New beginning

I have been following blogs on narcissism for almost a year now.  I have never felt comfortable posting anything personal on a blog of my own.  And I still don't feel comfortable doing it.  But I am going to, anyway, because I am reaching a cross-roads in my life and I have to let go of my past.  Somehow I feel that if I can finally air my secrets, to the universe, to the ether, somehow it will be cathartic and I will find some sort of peace.


I used to think/say that I had relatively "normal" parents.  That was a lie I told to myself and the world.   I don't know about my mom.  I think she tried to be a good mother.  But somehow I didn't feel loved as a child.  It felt like my mom was going through the motions but not really believing it herself.  I think she may have suffered from depression as a result of being in an unhappy marriage.


My dad was a child molester.  That is the horrible truth that I have uttered to no-one except the closest people to me in my life.  I found out he was molesting my friend when I was about 12 years old.  I don't think he molested me.   I can't remember that happening.  But  the knowledge that my dad was a child molester had a huge impact on me.   I had a profound sense of shame all of my life.  About seven years ago the original victim came forward to the authorities, and my dad went to prison for 2 years.  And then another victim came forward while he was in prison.   I believe these are his only victims, and now that he has served time in prison, I don't think there will ever be any more victims.  He is approaching 70 years old.


My mom remains married to my dad.  I don't know why.  Having read so many blogs about narcissism, I feel that my dad has strong narcissist tendencies.  I don't think he has full blown NPD but his narcissistic traits are nevertheless very damaging.  I think his child molesting is related to his narcissism.  He used to fly into rages when I was young, over very minor things.  He never apologised for anything.


I have a professional career and if anyone who knew me professionally found out that my father was an ex-convict they would be very surprised.  I think they would judge me, or think less of me.  I think less of me, because of my father.  I think that anyone with a child-abuser father would feel the same way about sharing DNA with the "lowest of the low" in society.  But I don't know, because I don't know anyone else in a similar situation.  This is my great shame that I want to let go of.


Myself and my two children have no contact with my father, and some contact with my mom.


I was married to a narcissistic man for three years.  He was a full-blown narcissist.  He had all the traits, and I found out about his disorder from a marriage counsellor who we went to see just before I left him almost a year ago.  I have two small children with him, ages one and three, and they are wonderful children.  They are unscathed from the separation because they were so young when it happened.  My N-ex has regular contact with the children and he seems to treat them well for now.  Ever since we separated my N-ex has been acting like the wonderful man he was when we first met.  He wants me to take him back, and he has hinted at that.  Last week he brought me flowers for Mothers day.   I will not take him back because I do not want to risk putting myself or my children through the hell I went through when we were together.  I don't think he can truly change, but he can sure put on a great act.


My  ex-mother in law is a malignant narcissist.   My N-ex was her golden boy.  He thinks the world of his mother.  My N-ex found out last week that his mother is dying with a terminal disease.  She went in hospital about two weeks ago.  My N-ex is completely lost, now that he knows his mother is dying.  He hasn't found another girlfriend since we separated.  His mother was his primary narcissistic supply.  He really has no-one else that he is close to in his life.  He has a sister but she was the scapegoat child and his mother drove them apart. I don't know what he is going to do when his mother dies.


I mentioned that I am at a cross-roads in my life.  I will be starting a new job in a few weeks and I am looking for a new house.  I am trying to move on from my past and build a healthy new beginning for me and my two children.


Thanks for reading.