In my father, I have observed the day-to-day antics of a child molester at close range. As a child, I observed this behaviour without knowing of his predilections, and I didn't learn of the sinister aspect of his personality until I was almost a teen. Here are some red flags to look out for when there's a family acquaintance/friend/relative in proximity to your kids:
1. Overly interested in your children (duh!).
2. Appears more comfortable with children than with adults.
3. Appears to prefer the company of the kids than the adults.
4. Prefers to do "kid-oriented" activities with the kids (eg. swimming, playing video games, summer sports) rather than do adult things with other adults.
5. Offers to take your kids on fun "outings".
6. Interested in music/movies/t.v. that would normally only interest children, and engages children in conversations about their own interests.
7. Offers to babysit your kids.
Most of these are probably painfully obvious, but I can tell you that my father slipped by the radar of numerous family members using these techniques. Granted, in 99% of the above situations, there was no molestation taking place and there were other adults present. The majority of children that my father spent time with had no idea what he would eventually be convicted of, and as adults, would be shocked to learn of what he did. But a molester could use the above techniques to "groom" his victims, assessing their vulnerabilities, and gaining the trust of their families. Eventually, in the right circumstances, the trusted family friend could become the perverted uncle who molests your children.
On the blog "Finally Stopped Running", on the same topic earlier today, blogger Pronoia Agape posted a comment with following observation:
"I read the results of a study based on the responses from sexual predators themselves to the question on how they choose their victims. They all answered the same and they all had astoundingly developed predatory instincts. Children who are unlikely to tell their parents, or unlikely to be believed, were selected prey. Children who didn't even know the names for sexual organs and thus seemed unlikely to ever dare discuss something like this with their parents.
Unless a child is randomly ambushed in the school yard - which is the least likely scenario, as most predators KNOW the child before they attack - the "non-offending" parent bears at least a portion of responsibility, even only by being unconcerned and distant enough for this to be made possible. For the child to feel like she can't immediately tell, be believed, and the predator arrested - and the predator sniffs out kids who feel like this."
Friday, May 20, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
My daughter
My daughter is three and she is adorable. I'll call her Dolly. I woke up last night at 2:00 am to the sound of her soft crying and whimpers "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" Admittedly, I usually ignore these late night summonses because she usually just goes back to sleep after a few minutes, as if she had a mild bad dream. But last night she was suffering from a cold and I figured she may be thirsty. So I went to her room and was engaged in the the following exchange:
Me: What's wrong dolly?
Dolly: Mommy what happened to my teeth!!?
Me: I don't know, dolly!
Dolly: What happened to my teeth?
Me: I don't know!
(pause)
Dolly: Can you kiss my teeth for me? (opens mouth to expose teeth)
Me: Ok, dolly (makes a show of kissing her upper lip near her teeth, to placate dolly whilst avoiding major germ transfer)
Dolly: (clearly not fooled by fake kiss, and using a more insistent tone) Can you kiss my teeth for me?? (Opens mouth very wide to expose teeth)
Me: (kisses teeth) There, that's better. Do you want some juice, dolly?
Dolly: Ok (drinks juice)
Dolly: Thanks mommy (pronounced "Tanks mommy") I won't cry anymore.
Me: Goodnight dolly. Go back to sleep darling. (leaves the room)
What an angel. I love reading real dialogue with children so I had to share this little snippet. There was nothing wrong with her teeth, maybe she has a new one coming in. But every time she gets a "boo boo" she expects mommy to kiss it - teeth too, apparently.
On the narcissist front, my ex-H is starting to adjust to the fact that his mother may be dying. He has had a complete turn around over the weekend, and I think he may be working on a new narcissistic supply (i.e. girlfriend). He had been calling me incessantly last week, telling me about the heroic efforts he was making to ensure his mother was getting the best possible health care. Now I think he may be stepping up efforts to find a replacement for his mother, who was/is a huge source of supply.
Me: What's wrong dolly?
Dolly: Mommy what happened to my teeth!!?
Me: I don't know, dolly!
Dolly: What happened to my teeth?
Me: I don't know!
(pause)
Dolly: Can you kiss my teeth for me? (opens mouth to expose teeth)
Me: Ok, dolly (makes a show of kissing her upper lip near her teeth, to placate dolly whilst avoiding major germ transfer)
Dolly: (clearly not fooled by fake kiss, and using a more insistent tone) Can you kiss my teeth for me?? (Opens mouth very wide to expose teeth)
Me: (kisses teeth) There, that's better. Do you want some juice, dolly?
Dolly: Ok (drinks juice)
Dolly: Thanks mommy (pronounced "Tanks mommy") I won't cry anymore.
Me: Goodnight dolly. Go back to sleep darling. (leaves the room)
What an angel. I love reading real dialogue with children so I had to share this little snippet. There was nothing wrong with her teeth, maybe she has a new one coming in. But every time she gets a "boo boo" she expects mommy to kiss it - teeth too, apparently.
On the narcissist front, my ex-H is starting to adjust to the fact that his mother may be dying. He has had a complete turn around over the weekend, and I think he may be working on a new narcissistic supply (i.e. girlfriend). He had been calling me incessantly last week, telling me about the heroic efforts he was making to ensure his mother was getting the best possible health care. Now I think he may be stepping up efforts to find a replacement for his mother, who was/is a huge source of supply.
My Father
I hadn't been in contact with my father for 2 months as of yesterday. My no contact rule was established by me yelling at my father to "Get out of my house!" and "Don't come back!" in February 2011. My father was convicted of molesting 2 children about 20 to 30 years ago.
Up until February of this year, I had maintained a relationship with him for my mother's sake. My mother is still with him, and she wanted desperately to maintain some semblance of a "normal" family where the grandparents have a relationship with their children and grandchildren.
I have two small children, and I while I was still in contact with my father I did not allow him any access to my children unless myself and another adult were in the same room with them. The reason why I ordered him out of my house were not directly related to any apprehension of a molestation risk. I told him to get out because he was being an a**h***. He was belittling me for using a firm voice with my little girl when I thought she was misbehaving. He was treating me with contempt, and asking me repeatedly why I would DO such a thing. "Why do you DO it, Reese? Why do you DO it?" As if I had done something terrible when I told her to not hit her poppy, and as if I was ALWAYS using such harsh and unnecessary discipline tactics. I got in his face and told him exactly why I told her not to hit her poppy: because she had hit her babysitter in the face 20 minutes prior, and I thought I saw her do the exact same thing with her poppy (my father). When I gave him this explanation he completely ignored it, and continued to ask me "Why do you DO it?" in a contemptuous voice.
Basically, the incident was him coming to the defence of my three-year-old daughter, and trying to paint me as the unreasonably strict mother. My daughter is old enough to pick up on this dynamic. I abhor the idea that he would try come between me and my daughter.
Anyway, this wasn't this first time my father had treated me with contempt, but I decided it was going to be the last time, and I told him to leave.
Last night (2 months after that incident) my mom called me to see how the children were. My dad unexpectedly got on the phone and told me congratulations on my new job. It was the first time he attempted to speak to me since February. He gave no apology for his behaviour, no attempt at addressing the incident. Just trying to pretend nothing had happened. Typical narcissist behaviour. I did not thank him for his congratulations. I just said "yes" and hung up. I have nothing to say to him.
If he was just being a jerk I would probably let him away with his idiot behaviour and play along like nothing happened. But he is a convicted child molester. I have every right to keep him the hell away from my family and never speak to the b*****d again. When I speak to my mom again I am going to tell her not to put dad on the phone ever again or else I will not be taking her calls.
Up until February of this year, I had maintained a relationship with him for my mother's sake. My mother is still with him, and she wanted desperately to maintain some semblance of a "normal" family where the grandparents have a relationship with their children and grandchildren.
I have two small children, and I while I was still in contact with my father I did not allow him any access to my children unless myself and another adult were in the same room with them. The reason why I ordered him out of my house were not directly related to any apprehension of a molestation risk. I told him to get out because he was being an a**h***. He was belittling me for using a firm voice with my little girl when I thought she was misbehaving. He was treating me with contempt, and asking me repeatedly why I would DO such a thing. "Why do you DO it, Reese? Why do you DO it?" As if I had done something terrible when I told her to not hit her poppy, and as if I was ALWAYS using such harsh and unnecessary discipline tactics. I got in his face and told him exactly why I told her not to hit her poppy: because she had hit her babysitter in the face 20 minutes prior, and I thought I saw her do the exact same thing with her poppy (my father). When I gave him this explanation he completely ignored it, and continued to ask me "Why do you DO it?" in a contemptuous voice.
Basically, the incident was him coming to the defence of my three-year-old daughter, and trying to paint me as the unreasonably strict mother. My daughter is old enough to pick up on this dynamic. I abhor the idea that he would try come between me and my daughter.
Anyway, this wasn't this first time my father had treated me with contempt, but I decided it was going to be the last time, and I told him to leave.
Last night (2 months after that incident) my mom called me to see how the children were. My dad unexpectedly got on the phone and told me congratulations on my new job. It was the first time he attempted to speak to me since February. He gave no apology for his behaviour, no attempt at addressing the incident. Just trying to pretend nothing had happened. Typical narcissist behaviour. I did not thank him for his congratulations. I just said "yes" and hung up. I have nothing to say to him.
If he was just being a jerk I would probably let him away with his idiot behaviour and play along like nothing happened. But he is a convicted child molester. I have every right to keep him the hell away from my family and never speak to the b*****d again. When I speak to my mom again I am going to tell her not to put dad on the phone ever again or else I will not be taking her calls.
Friday, May 13, 2011
Rough start
Off to a bad start with the blog, I somehow managed to lose a complete post, which was titled "My Father". If I find a draft of it somewhere I will repost it.
On another note, my narcissistic ex-husband continues to be amazingly easy to get along with. We separated almost a year ago, and today he agreed to sign the separation agreement with very little trouble.
His behaviour during the marriage was that of a text-book narcissist, but since we separated he has been extremely easy to deal with. In fact, lately I have been questioning whether he has full-blown NPD. He is definitely highly narcissistic - he thinks a lot of himself, loves to be an authority, loves to be the center of attention, spends way too much money on things that show his "status", reacts with rage if he is insulted in any way, blah blah blah. But I think there may be other things going on, too, possibly OCD or mild BPD.
On another note, my narcissistic ex-husband continues to be amazingly easy to get along with. We separated almost a year ago, and today he agreed to sign the separation agreement with very little trouble.
His behaviour during the marriage was that of a text-book narcissist, but since we separated he has been extremely easy to deal with. In fact, lately I have been questioning whether he has full-blown NPD. He is definitely highly narcissistic - he thinks a lot of himself, loves to be an authority, loves to be the center of attention, spends way too much money on things that show his "status", reacts with rage if he is insulted in any way, blah blah blah. But I think there may be other things going on, too, possibly OCD or mild BPD.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
New beginning
I have been following blogs on narcissism for almost a year now. I have never felt comfortable posting anything personal on a blog of my own. And I still don't feel comfortable doing it. But I am going to, anyway, because I am reaching a cross-roads in my life and I have to let go of my past. Somehow I feel that if I can finally air my secrets, to the universe, to the ether, somehow it will be cathartic and I will find some sort of peace.
I used to think/say that I had relatively "normal" parents. That was a lie I told to myself and the world. I don't know about my mom. I think she tried to be a good mother. But somehow I didn't feel loved as a child. It felt like my mom was going through the motions but not really believing it herself. I think she may have suffered from depression as a result of being in an unhappy marriage.
My dad was a child molester. That is the horrible truth that I have uttered to no-one except the closest people to me in my life. I found out he was molesting my friend when I was about 12 years old. I don't think he molested me. I can't remember that happening. But the knowledge that my dad was a child molester had a huge impact on me. I had a profound sense of shame all of my life. About seven years ago the original victim came forward to the authorities, and my dad went to prison for 2 years. And then another victim came forward while he was in prison. I believe these are his only victims, and now that he has served time in prison, I don't think there will ever be any more victims. He is approaching 70 years old.
My mom remains married to my dad. I don't know why. Having read so many blogs about narcissism, I feel that my dad has strong narcissist tendencies. I don't think he has full blown NPD but his narcissistic traits are nevertheless very damaging. I think his child molesting is related to his narcissism. He used to fly into rages when I was young, over very minor things. He never apologised for anything.
I have a professional career and if anyone who knew me professionally found out that my father was an ex-convict they would be very surprised. I think they would judge me, or think less of me. I think less of me, because of my father. I think that anyone with a child-abuser father would feel the same way about sharing DNA with the "lowest of the low" in society. But I don't know, because I don't know anyone else in a similar situation. This is my great shame that I want to let go of.
Myself and my two children have no contact with my father, and some contact with my mom.
I was married to a narcissistic man for three years. He was a full-blown narcissist. He had all the traits, and I found out about his disorder from a marriage counsellor who we went to see just before I left him almost a year ago. I have two small children with him, ages one and three, and they are wonderful children. They are unscathed from the separation because they were so young when it happened. My N-ex has regular contact with the children and he seems to treat them well for now. Ever since we separated my N-ex has been acting like the wonderful man he was when we first met. He wants me to take him back, and he has hinted at that. Last week he brought me flowers for Mothers day. I will not take him back because I do not want to risk putting myself or my children through the hell I went through when we were together. I don't think he can truly change, but he can sure put on a great act.
My ex-mother in law is a malignant narcissist. My N-ex was her golden boy. He thinks the world of his mother. My N-ex found out last week that his mother is dying with a terminal disease. She went in hospital about two weeks ago. My N-ex is completely lost, now that he knows his mother is dying. He hasn't found another girlfriend since we separated. His mother was his primary narcissistic supply. He really has no-one else that he is close to in his life. He has a sister but she was the scapegoat child and his mother drove them apart. I don't know what he is going to do when his mother dies.
I mentioned that I am at a cross-roads in my life. I will be starting a new job in a few weeks and I am looking for a new house. I am trying to move on from my past and build a healthy new beginning for me and my two children.
Thanks for reading.
I used to think/say that I had relatively "normal" parents. That was a lie I told to myself and the world. I don't know about my mom. I think she tried to be a good mother. But somehow I didn't feel loved as a child. It felt like my mom was going through the motions but not really believing it herself. I think she may have suffered from depression as a result of being in an unhappy marriage.
My dad was a child molester. That is the horrible truth that I have uttered to no-one except the closest people to me in my life. I found out he was molesting my friend when I was about 12 years old. I don't think he molested me. I can't remember that happening. But the knowledge that my dad was a child molester had a huge impact on me. I had a profound sense of shame all of my life. About seven years ago the original victim came forward to the authorities, and my dad went to prison for 2 years. And then another victim came forward while he was in prison. I believe these are his only victims, and now that he has served time in prison, I don't think there will ever be any more victims. He is approaching 70 years old.
My mom remains married to my dad. I don't know why. Having read so many blogs about narcissism, I feel that my dad has strong narcissist tendencies. I don't think he has full blown NPD but his narcissistic traits are nevertheless very damaging. I think his child molesting is related to his narcissism. He used to fly into rages when I was young, over very minor things. He never apologised for anything.
I have a professional career and if anyone who knew me professionally found out that my father was an ex-convict they would be very surprised. I think they would judge me, or think less of me. I think less of me, because of my father. I think that anyone with a child-abuser father would feel the same way about sharing DNA with the "lowest of the low" in society. But I don't know, because I don't know anyone else in a similar situation. This is my great shame that I want to let go of.
Myself and my two children have no contact with my father, and some contact with my mom.
I was married to a narcissistic man for three years. He was a full-blown narcissist. He had all the traits, and I found out about his disorder from a marriage counsellor who we went to see just before I left him almost a year ago. I have two small children with him, ages one and three, and they are wonderful children. They are unscathed from the separation because they were so young when it happened. My N-ex has regular contact with the children and he seems to treat them well for now. Ever since we separated my N-ex has been acting like the wonderful man he was when we first met. He wants me to take him back, and he has hinted at that. Last week he brought me flowers for Mothers day. I will not take him back because I do not want to risk putting myself or my children through the hell I went through when we were together. I don't think he can truly change, but he can sure put on a great act.
My ex-mother in law is a malignant narcissist. My N-ex was her golden boy. He thinks the world of his mother. My N-ex found out last week that his mother is dying with a terminal disease. She went in hospital about two weeks ago. My N-ex is completely lost, now that he knows his mother is dying. He hasn't found another girlfriend since we separated. His mother was his primary narcissistic supply. He really has no-one else that he is close to in his life. He has a sister but she was the scapegoat child and his mother drove them apart. I don't know what he is going to do when his mother dies.
I mentioned that I am at a cross-roads in my life. I will be starting a new job in a few weeks and I am looking for a new house. I am trying to move on from my past and build a healthy new beginning for me and my two children.
Thanks for reading.
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